The WWE Saga
by Jazzmaster
Summary: A light hearted look at the WWE and it's many characters. Will the father of Mae Young's baby be revealed? Will Eric Bischoff knock everyone out? Will Y2J be taken seriously? The final chapter is up! COMPLETE!
1. Defections

Vince McMahon sat at one of his many homes, on one of his many chairs, and one of his many wives, Linda McMahon, walked into the room. He heard her coming in the door and called:  
  
"Stacy, is that you?" Linda walked in and folded her arms. She stared at him for several minutes.  
  
"Oh, uh, of course not. I knew it was you all along. You know you're the only woman for me. Especially now I've taken myself off of TV in order to once again become the genetic jackhammer and get us another kid," said Vince. "Quite frankly, I don't think the ones we have know are good enough. So until we can have a better child, I've adopted Eric Bischoff as our new son. I've left him running RAW. Stephanie can run Smackdown! until she supplies us with a grandchild, then she will be removed from the family. I might give Shane a job running Heat, just because I don't like him at all."  
  
Linda shook her head and walked out, having had her vocal chords surgically removed to prevent her from ever speaking in her awful voice ever again.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, at the WWE-bat-cave, new GM of RAW Eric Bischoff sat plotting his evil schemes. All of a sudden Stephanie McMahon walked through the door and started laughing.  
  
"How did you manage to infiltrate the bat-cave?" asked Bischoff.  
  
"I was let in by RAW security, who are all defecting to Smackdown. Along with the woman who collects the coffee mugs from backstage after each show," said Steph, who was grinning inanely.  
  
"No! You can't take Betty! I will knock you out! I WILL knock you out! I will KNOCK you out! I will knock YOU out! I will knock you OUT!"  
  
  
  
  
  
HHH walked the corridors of the arena RAW was being held at. He saw Y2J and immediately thought up 20 new ways of holding back his career. He had to admit, getting Bischoff to put him with Test and Christian had been a great idea. He almost felt sorry for Jericho. Almost. Then he would remember that Jericho had talent but wasn't HHH, so the remorse faded and he realised that was what Jericho deserved. He turned the corner and saw Rob Van Dam. He immediately thought up 5 ways of holding him back. Put him in a tag team with Spike Dudley sounded the best, so he went off to tell Bischoff.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile Ric Flair sat in his dressing room, wondering why he hadn't retired yet. Still, he had a feud with Jericho coming up, which guaranteed him many wins.  
  
  
  
Matt Hardy sat in his dressing room, wondering why HE hadn't retired yet. He felt he wasn't being taken seriously enough. All he seemed able to do was wish his brother Jeff good luck. He never seemed to get any matches. Jeff put his head into the dressing room.  
  
"Well, I'm heading out for my big match tonight," said Jeff.  
  
"Good luck, bro," said Matt.  
  
  
  
RAW went on the air, and fans watching on TV at home were horrified when Eric Bischoff's face came up with a ridiculous grin on it. Eric Bischoff came out and told everyone he was going to knock Stephanie McMahon out, then left. When he arrived backstage he was surprised to see Mae Young and Moolah had arrived. He panicked. The truth could come out. They were heading for the ring. It was time for Eric to take drastic action.  
  
  
  
Moolah started talking about her new book and she was surprised when the fans all started to boo her. Surely old people were funny? Surely they made great TV? No-one booed Hogan or Flair, did they? Suddenly, the Island Boys came running down to the ring and assaulted the two ladies. Eric Bischoff breathed a sigh of relief. Know no-one would know that he was really the father of Mae Young's glove.  
  
  
  
HHH came out to the ring to talk for awhile, talking about people not wanting to relinquish the spotlight when their time was over. He couldn't understand why everyone was laughing, and furrowed his brow. He decided he would have to talk to Bischoff and ban fans from attending shows.  
  
  
  
  
  
In the back, HBK had been viciously attacked. No-one knew who the culprit was, but fingers were pointed at Coach. Coach strongly denied the allegations, saying he had been with a cow all evening.  
  
  
  
  
  
After, Coach and Rock filmed the latest edition of their new sitcom. Coach did a funny dance while Rock stood staring at him like Coach was an absolute retard. The episode ended when a cow fell on Coach's head. He was rushed to hospital with serious injuries.  
  
  
  
Big Show told everyone he was going to become a huge name in the business once again. He told everyone he was going to get a feud with someone he could actually get wins over. Chris Jericho and Brooklin Brawler were suggested as possible opponents for this.  
  
  
  
Bischoff put the phone down. He had only managed to get Stone Cold's machine again. Austin had disappeared along with Debra. Perhaps if he stopped telling them he would knock them out they would call him back. In the meantime he called Goldberg again.  
  
To be continued... 


	2. The Search for the Warrior

Bischoff continued his journey through the desert. He had been travelling on for so long now. This was what he had been reduced to. Austin and Goldberg weren't answering his calls. There was only one option left. He needed to find... The Ultimate Warrior.  
  
  
  
Hollywood Hulk Hogan was sitting next to the phone, wondering why it had taken so many years for the producers to call and ask him to star in 'Mr Nanny 2'. Any minute now he knew the call would come. Any minute. Jamie Noble burst into Hogan's dressing room. He had lost the 'K' from his name and wondered if Hogan knew what had happened to it.  
  
"Where's my damn Special 'K', boy!?" screamed Noble.  
  
"Boy?" said Hogan. "I'm several decades older than you...brother."  
  
"Shut your mouth, boy!"  
  
  
  
Michael Cole And Tazz sat watching the scene on the big screen. Tazz felt bad for Noble - he had gained a 'Z' from no-where, so he knew how bad it felt to inexplicably have your name changed.  
  
  
  
Off camera, Paul Heyman was trying desperately to teach Brock Lesnar how to not talk like a wuss all the time. He wasn't having much success.  
  
  
  
At last, after all the searching, Bischoff had found the Ultimate Warrior. The Warrior was sitting alone in the desert, surrounded by nothing but sand. He was shaking violently.  
  
"Hey, Jim, how are you?"  
  
"'Jim' is an unnecessary extension of my existence. I am The Ultimate Warrior!" The Warrior stood up then, and ran away. He didn't stop. Bischoff just stood, watching him go.  
  
  
  
At the home of Kevin Nash, the man himself lay in bed thinking about his injury. He should never have tried to run. He just wasn't up to it. Then he heard the voice of Vince McMahon. It seemed to be inside his head.  
  
"Run Kevin, run!" Nash knew what he had to do. He got out of bed, and ran out of the house, and down the street, and just kept on running.  
  
  
  
Back at one of Vince's homes, Vince was in his bedroom waiting for Dawn Marie. She arrived and called up to him.  
  
"I'm here, Vince," she said loudly.  
  
"Come on up, Dawn. I've got a big surprise for you. The 'Next Big' surprise."  
  
  
  
Bischoff was still standing, but by now he was starting to realise that the Warrior wasn't coming back.  
  
"I will knock you out!" he shouted.  
  
  
  
  
  
Dawn went into Vince's bedroom, and was somewhat surprised to see Big Show standing next to Vince.  
  
"Surprise!" they both said.  
  
  
  
Smackdown went on the air. Rock didn't bother showing up and spent the day in the park with Coach. He threw Coach into the pond and repeatedly called him a 'sick freak'. Coach tried not to cry, but it was hard, oh so hard. The Rock put a duck on Coach's head and ordered Coach to dance.  
  
"Please, no-more..."  
  
"Do it before The Rock lays the smack down on your candy ass!" Coach did as he was told. He wished he was dead.  
  
  
  
Chavo Guarrero Jnr sat nervously in the back. There were rumours that a monster was going around changing wrestler's names. Jamie Noble and Tazz had been victims, and now Rey Mysterio had lost the 'Jnr' from his name. What if Chavo was next? He had to get out of the arena. Fast.  
  
  
  
Mark Lloyd wandered around backstage aimlessly, trying to find a friend. That was all he wanted, just one friend. He found Mike Awesome, who looked very sad and lonely. He sat down next to them, and they spent the rest of the show looking very depressed.  
  
  
  
Batista had barricaded the door to his dressing room. The monster had already stolen the 'Deacon' from his name - he wasn't about to lose the 'Batista' as well.  
  
  
  
Coach took a break from the 'Coachy and Rocky' show to record the latest edition of 'Bottom Line'.  
  
"We all know it's summer, and that means two things: hot woman and ice cream! And Trish Stratus is certainly that: ice cream! No wait..."  
  
  
  
Chris Benoit and Eddie Guarrero wondered where there old radical buddy Dean Malenko had gone. He hadn't been seen in some time now. No-one wondered where Perry Saturn was.  
  
Miles away, in an underground layer, Dean Malenko, the James Bond of the WWE was trapped on an operating table. Dr Evil stood next to it, one finger in his mouth.  
  
"Do you expect me to talk?" asked Malenko.  
  
"No, Mr Malenko, I expect you to get torn in two by the laser I am just about to activate."  
  
Dr Evil turned on a laser. Malenko's legs were open, and the laser slowly moved up towards his privates.  
  
"Now I will leave and assume that you died." Dr Evil left. The laser moved very slowly towards Malenko. He tried to think of a way to escape. The laser would take several minutes at the slow rate it was moving at.  
  
  
  
Rikishi walked the corridors, desperately trying to find his storylines. They must have been misplaced somewhere.  
  
  
  
Dr Evil returned to find Malenko torn in two. He couldn't understand how he hadn't escaped.  
  
  
  
On his way out of the desert Eric noticed a table which had bottled water on it. He took a bottle, opened it and gulped it down. It tasted funny. He checked the label. It read 'Ultimate Sweat: Genuine Sweat of the Ultimate Warrior! 20 dollars a bottle!" Eric choked. 


	3. The Happy Couple

Raw goes on the air and Eric Bischoff wastes no time in going out to the ring.  
  
"I have great news for all you fans of RAW! After relentless negotiating, I have signed a huge name exclusively to the RAW brand! Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to the man who is going to help me knock Smackdown out, I give you: Mr Harvey Whippleman!"  
  
Former manager Harvey Whippleman comes out as the crowd just laughs. Bischoff is about to speak again but is interrupted as Stephanie McMahon walks out.  
  
"Security, get her out of my arena, now!" cried Bischoff. Stephanie took the microphone from him and laughed.  
  
"Remember Eric, security is now exclusive to Smackdown!" said Stepahnie.  
  
"Good lord King, she's right, dammit!" yelled JR, waving his arms and indeed his whole body around in a frenzy.  
  
"Besides, I booked this ring for my wedding, you see Harvey didn't agree to be here tonight to become a part of RAW, he is here for his and my wedding!" said Steph.  
  
"That's right big nose," said Harvey to Eric.  
  
Big Show came out and announced he was now a minister then married Stephanie and Whippleman.  
  
"Well, me and my new husband are leaving and I hope you all tune in to Smackdown! to see the beginning of the McMahon-Whippleman era!" said Steph, before leaving.  
  
  
  
  
  
Matt Hardy was lying asleep in the back. He was having a bad nightmare and was tossing and turning.  
  
"Good luck, bro... good luck bro... good luck bro..." Jeff woke him up.  
  
"Hey, wake up Matt" he said.  
  
"Huh? Is it time for our match?" asked Matt.  
  
"No, you don't have a match. It's time for you to wish me good luck."  
  
"Good luck bro."  
  
Jeff Hardy went out for a match against Test, which was really a guaranteed Jeff Hardy victory. However Jeff was stunned when Matt appeared at ringside with a big axe.  
  
"Bro, don't attack Test with an axe," said Jeff.  
  
"I'm not going to attack TEST with an axe," said Matt with an evil look on his face. Jeff jumped over the top rope and the barricade and ran through the crowd as the now deranged Matt Hardy chased him.  
  
  
  
Bubba Ray wasn't coping well with the loss of his brother. He now only got by because of his undying belief that Spike Dudley was in fact D-Von and the Dudleyz were still together.  
  
  
  
Rumours that Brock Lesnar had bought two ringside tickets for RAW were unfounded. He had been given them for free by officials desperate to make the arena look less empty.  
  
  
  
HBK came out to do a promo for his big Summerslam match.  
  
"Now I hope MY SON CAMERON is watching me right now. At Summerslam I intend to teach HHH a lesson, and MY SON CAMERON will see what a real man looks like. I will once again, one more time become the icon, the showstopper, and MY SON CAMERON will see that. I want everyone to know, and I want MY SON CAMERON to know that I won't be the man I once was. I don't want anyone, especially not MY SON CAMERON..." This continued for eight more minutes.  
  
  
  
  
  
Bradshaw came out and said he had a serious drinking problem. There was no beer in the arena and he had spent all his money calling Farooq.  
  
  
  
  
  
Y2J came out and said from now on he would be known as "Doink the Clown 2J". He was dressed in clown make-up and an outfit reminiscent of Doink. HHH laughed evilly and congratulated Bischoff on giving Jericho the right gimmick, then congratulated himself for coming up with the idea.  
  
  
  
  
  
Shawn Stasiak came out and announced since his Planet Stasiak gimmick had been unsuccessful he was now going to become an American Badass, until Undertaker came out and made Shawn wet his pants. He decided to return to being 'Meat' instead.  
  
  
  
Tony Schiavone sat at home watching old tapes of WCW and constantly pointing at the screen and telling his wife that this was the best Nitro ever. For each Nitro he put on. This continued until his wife left him. Tony didn't even notice, he just kept watching as tears formed in his eyes at the happy memories of WCW...  
  
  
  
Howard Finkel came out and acted much more evil than was normal for him. He brutally murdered several fans which prompted a few boos from the rest of the crowd followed by an unflattering chant. However this was soon forgotten as Fink returned to his announcing duties and began acting nice again. During the break he held up a framed picture of The Rock and encouraged everyone in the arena to run and buy it. He also told them they were one of the best crowds the WWE had ever worked with, prompting huge cheers.  
  
  
  
"Calm down man, we can work this out, just please don't do this..." said Jeff Hardy to his brother. They were standing on a bridge, looking down at the river, and Matt Hardy had most of Jeff's body in chains.  
  
"I just have one thing to say... good luck bro," said Matt before throwing his brother in. 


	4. Who's your husband?

Summerslam was over. Brock Lesnar had beaten The Rock to become undisputed champion after Coach, claiming he had had enough of Rock's constant bullying, had interfered in the match.  
  
Rock caught up to Coach after the match.  
  
"Hey, Coach, what the hell were you doing? You just cost The Rock his undisputed title and now you're gonna get the smack layed down upon your candy ass!" said Rock.  
  
"I'm so sorry Rock, I don't know what came over me..." said Coach. Rock was suspicious of Coach's behaviour. He lifted up Coach's shirt and checked Coach's switch. Someone had flipped it from 'Face' to 'Heel'! Of course veteran Rock knew that all wrestlers were programmable and could be turned from heel to face at the flip of a switch. Big Show's had been flipped too many times and was now broken, causing him to turn between the two at random intervals. The question was who had done this to Coach?  
  
  
  
Smackdown went on the air and Stephanie McMahon came out without Harvey Whippleman. She declared that the marriage couldn't stand because the night before it she had gotten drunk and without knowing it married Test, therefore her marriage to Harvey had been annulled.  
  
Tests music played and he said now he was married he could go between both shows.  
  
"Once they've had Test, they don't want the rest!" he said before wondering how much longer his immunity clause had left.  
  
  
  
Tazz decided he didn't want to be an announcer anymore. He turned to Michael Cole.  
  
"The mood is about to change! No-one can stop the path of rage!" screamed Tazz before running off somewhere.  
  
  
  
Stephanie went backstage and saw HHH.  
  
"HHH... are you defecting to Smackdown?" asked Steph.  
  
"No Steph, but your marriage to Test must be annulled immediately. See, the night before you got drunk and married Test I got you drunk and took you to Vegas again where we re-married. So once again you are Stephanie McMahon- Helmsley."  
  
  
  
Vince McMahon had stopped by backstage to see how his daughter was doing. As he strutted around the corridor he bumped into Torrie Wilson. McMahon was holding a pen in his hand and dropped it as he saw Torrie.  
  
"Whoops... Torrie, perhaps you could bend down and pick that up for me," said Vince.  
  
Torrie knelt down and picked it up.  
  
"No, not like that..." said Vince.  
  
Howard Finkel went around the fans and shouted at young children in a loud voice, making them cry.  
  
  
  
  
  
Rock was raging. He found Stephanie, who was in tears after her wedding disasters.  
  
"Hey, slut, was it you who re-programmed Coach?" shouted Rock.  
  
"No, Rock, maybe it was Paul Heyman," said Stephanie through constant sobbing.  
  
  
  
  
  
Mark Lloyd sat in the men's toilets with the cubicle door locked. Mike Awesome had made friends with Godfather and they now spent all their time together with Godfather's escorts. Lloyd had tried to join them, but hadn't made the grade. Even Funaki was a better interviewer than he was. Everyone hates me, he thought sadly. Just then the cubicle door got kicked open and there stood Farooq, who like everyone else liked to bully him. Farooq smiled then shoved Lloyds head down the un-flushed toilet... then proceeded to flush.  
  
  
  
Rock had Paul Heyman pinned against the wall. Lesnar was no-where around.  
  
"It was nothing to do with us Rock, I swear, please, just stop, " begged Heyman. "I can't take it anymore."  
  
Rock let him down. It couldn't have been Heyman or Lesnar. He'd had Heyman watch Billy Gunn matches for the past ten minutes and no-one could withstand that. Rock had to hurry as time was running out. Soon he would have to leave for Hollywood.  
  
  
  
Steph was still sobbing when Howard Finkel came into her office.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked him.  
  
"Just to let you know Steph, that you are in fact NOT married to HHH."  
  
"No? Really? Oh, thank goodness..."  
  
"You are married to ME! Ha ha ha! I married you the night BEFORE HHH married you. We had an unholy wedding and you are now my evil bride of darkness! Ha ha ha ha!"  
  
Steph began crying even louder than ever.  
  
  
  
Rock was walking the corridors hoping for inspiration when Tazz came walking up to him.  
  
"You know what Rock? Last night I saw you were in a real pleasant mood, and I thought, the mood needs to change, so you know Rock, I re-programmed Coach and had him screw you out of your match. Ha!"  
  
"Who in the bluest of blue hells are you!?" asked The Rock.  
  
"I'm Tazz! You know, Tazz! Former ECW world champ! I once beat Kurt Angle!"  
  
"Shut your mouth, the Rock is gonna lay the smacketh down on you before he heads off to Hollywood!"  
  
"You cannot stop the path of rage!" said Tazz, before getting severely beaten up by The Rock.  
  
  
  
Vince McMahon managed to find Nidia. He smiled like he hadn't in a long time.  
  
  
  
Rock prepared to leave for Hollywood. Coach's switch had been reset to face.  
  
"You ever need anything, and The Rock means anything, just call The Rock."  
  
"I'm going to miss you Rock. I don't know if I can get by without you."  
  
"The Rock'll be back, Coach. Not for the people, he'll be back... for you."  
  
The pair hugged before Rock turned around and headed off towards Hollywood. Coach stood watching him go, and tears formed in his eyes. 


	5. All Knowing Palm of the Booker Man

With Austin gone and Rock off to Hollywood it was up to the Undertaker to become the number one face in the company. Chris Jericho had offered to flip his switch to face so he could take that spot, but this had just gotten him a lot of pointing and laughing.  
  
"I'm the first undisputed champion!" he yelled before running off, wiping the tears from his face.  
  
  
  
Austin woke up in his jail cell. Rumours said he was there after beating his wife, but in fact he was there because he was suspected of chaining up Jeff Hardy and throwing him into the river. Jeff's body had been recovered and identified by his brother Matt, who was apparently a witness to Austin murdering Jeff.  
  
  
  
The Dudleyz music hit and Bubba Ray came out on his own, having been unable to find the man he believed was D-Von. Spike was in fact living in his new home, which was Eric Bischoff's desk drawer, where he hid from his abusive brother and prayed Stephanie McMahon would offer him a job.  
  
  
  
Chris Nowenski went around backstage telling everyone he was a Harvard graduate.  
  
  
  
The Fink entered the ring and told everyone he was sexier than Shawn Michaels, more charismatic than the Rock and more of a bad-ass than the Undertaker. Then Lillian Garcia came out and beat him up.  
  
  
  
  
  
After numerous death threats Test, Lance Storm and Christian came out and declared they were the 'In-Americans' and that America 'did not suck'.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kane came out with a new mask.  
  
"And of course ladies and gentleman Kane has spent the last few months trying to find a new mask!" said JR as if this were the most interesting news on the planet.  
  
"Well that makes more sense than saying he was injured by X-Pac," said The King.  
  
Then Booker T came out and did a spin-a-roonie. Then Kane did a Kane-a- roonie. Never one wanting to be left out, Big Show came out and did a Show- a-roonie. Coach, having nothing else to do now that Rock was gone, came out and relived the glory that was the coach-a-roonie. Fink limped out despite his obvious agony and went for a fink-a-roonie but Lilian Garcia came out and stripped him to his underwear. Then Stephanie McMahon came out and said she wanted a divorce before the segment ended with a McMahon-a-roonie.  
  
  
  
Rumours were circulating that X-Pac had been fired. However this was nothing more than a cover story. The truth was one night X-Pac had been walking about after having too much to drink. He was drowning his sorrows after the fact that the NWO had been disbanded. Suddenly the sky had turned purple and a huge DX symbol had appeared in the sky in green. X-Pac had remembered his glory days before getting sucked into the air and though the green DX-shaped hole in the sky where he was lost for all eternity.  
  
  
  
Booker T looked into his mystic palm and failed to see anything important happening to him any time soon.  
  
  
  
Chris Nowenski found Bradshaw and told him he was a Harvard graduate which led to a deep and meaningful discussion about the education process.  
  
  
  
Booker T had to face Bradshaw that evening. He knocked the big man down then looked to his mystic palm. He had a vision of Bradshaw getting up and giving him the clothesline from hell, shortly before Bradshaw got up and gave him the clothesline from hell.  
  
  
  
Shane McMahon left the country to live a new life along with Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. The exact nature of their relationship was unknown.  
  
  
  
Booker T looked into his mystic palm and saw a frightening vision of Chuck and Billy...  
  
NOTE: (Maybe the last update... at least for awhile... I got uni starting next week.) 


	6. Equals Ratings!

Stephanie McMahon sat in her office wondering what to do about the falling ratings. She sighed - there was no other alternative. She was THAT desperate. She left her office and went to THE FORBIDDEN AREA. She, being a McMahon, was able to disarm the numerous deadly traps that lay this way. She walked down the forbidden corridor, turned the forbidden knob on the forbidden door and walked into the forbidden room. She went over to the forbidden cabinet which had a big sign next to it which said - DANGER! DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!  
  
Steph gulped and opened the cabinet using the forbidden key. Then she reached in and pulled the forb- no - prohibited file from the cabinet. It said clearly on the file:  
  
VINCE RUSSO'S IDEAS  
  
She reconsidered for a moment, then just went for it and opened the file. There was numerous pieces of paper and she pulled out the top one which said simply:  
  
GAY WEDDING = RATINGS  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Billy Gunn went to Steph's office later that day. He barged on in.  
  
"Steph, I'm ready!"  
  
"Oh yes Billy, we have a perfect story for you!"  
  
"Oh yes Steph, I'm ready! I'm finally ready for my main event push!"  
  
Steph screwed up her face in pure disbelief.  
  
"Everyone will learn to fear THE ONE AND ONLY!!!!!!!" yelled Billy.  
  
"Uh... yeah Billy... but before we push you into the main event I have another idea I'd like to discuss with you... now, where's Chuck?"  
  
  
  
  
  
Vince sat at his new home (How many did he have now? The mind boggled.). He had a lot on his mind. Despite having some of the lowest ratings in years he seemed to be making more money than ever. Where was it coming from? Not only that, but his daughter Stephanie had stopped acting like a slut and had stopped being so incompetent. That worried him. McMahon's didn't have 'heel/face' switches. He suspected Undertaker. Perhaps he had somehow abducted Steph and made her this way? He never had believed the Undertaker had went from being some un-dead guy to a biker...  
  
  
  
  
  
Eddie Guerrero was in the WWE canteen.  
  
"I want a piece of quiche," he said. To his surprise this resulted in Rikishi running over to him and repeatedly stinkfacing him.  
  
  
  
The fans in the arena fell silent as 'It's raining men' came on and Billy and Chuck came out (in a manner of speaking.) Steph, no stranger to being married, joined them as did Rico. Reverend D-Von was supposed to marry the couple, but strangely no-one could find him.  
  
  
  
D-Von ran around the building as Batista chased him.  
  
"I though you knew that trident was rubber! Where's your sense of humor?" yelled D-Von as he fled.  
  
"MY sense of humour? Let me tell you the one about the Reverend and the rubber trident..."  
  
  
  
  
  
A replacement was found and the ceremony began. Unfortunately the ceremony was ruined by Eric Bischoff, who had came to the arena disguised as a goat. He began eating Chuck's dress then the Island Boys ran in and acted all hard. No-one was fooled though - they all knew that sooner or later the pair would receive the 'Dancing Fat Man' gimmick.  
  
  
  
Godfather returned with his switch back to face. It had been set to heel on Velocity a few weeks ago but since no-one watched that it was considered to have never happened.  
  
"It's time, once again, for everybody to come aboard the HOOOOOO TRAIN!!!!"  
  
"So 1998," muttered one of the Godfather's ho's.  
  
"Hey, finding good gimmicks ain't easy..." said Godfather.  
  
  
  
  
  
Steph was distraught. Vince Russo's idea had failed! What now? She looked in the file of Russo's ideas and pulled out another file.  
  
FIRST PREGNANT MALE = RATINGS!!!!!  
  
Now, where was Kurt Angle? 


	7. Master Plan

A dark room... it's exact location unknown... six men have gathered here late one night... in total secrecy... no-one but those in this room know about this. They have gathered for a meeting. Each member is dressed in red robes. The hoods are pulled over their heads, hiding their identities.  
  
"Welcome to this meeting, brothers. The time is drawing near for us to carry out our evil plans. I have set everything in place. Austin is gone, trapped in a prison cell. Rock is gone, off to film a Hollywood movie. The ratings have plummeted, leaving less people who could suspect us. Bischoff and Steph foolishly believe that I am allowing them to run MY company, leaving them oblivious to my evil schemes. Shane is off living with Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. Yes, all of those things were cleverly engineered by me...  
  
VINCE MCMAHON!!!"  
  
The leader of the group pulled back his hood and grinned like a maniac.  
  
"You see, I am making everyone, that is everyone outside this room, look like absolute fools! You see, everyone has forgotten that I, Vince McMahon, am the greater power. And my power is absolute. I got rid of all the trash that we consisted of last time. Mideon, Viscera, ha! Now we are stronger than ever, brothers. THE CORPORATE MINISTRY LIVES ON!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Hollywood Hulk Hogan sat at home after being destroyed by Brock Lesnar. He wanted to get back at Brock, and he wanted to get his title back. Simply he wanted to be the man again. But he was too old to beat guys like Brock anymore. What he needed was a plan, and now he was sure he had one. It was time - time to bring back the NWO! He tried to work out how many times the NWO had been brought back, but his brain quickly told him that such calculations were not to be attempted.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Time runs low gentleman. Soon it will be time for us to reveal ourselves and seize control of not only wrestling, but the entire world. This is what the past few weeks have been building up to. I mean, I even took myself off of television, that's how important this is. I mean, me, Vince McMahon, not being on TV? It's terrible... Anyway, in the meantime just continue as normal. No-one must suspect what we are planning. There is only one person left who can stop us. One person I'm worried about - The Undertaker! I'm relying on all of you to take care of him without arousing suspicion. I'll be busy sticking the Unforgiven PPV together at the last second. Dismissed."  
  
"Yes master... we will do your bidding..."  
  
The mysterious figures left, ready to serve their master and destroy Taker.  
  
  
  
  
  
Unforgiven kicked off and the fans went wild before realising just how ill- thought-out the card was. Booker T came out ready to take on all the In- Americans by himself.  
  
"By my amazing mystic palm I swear I will defeat you all! Ha ha ha ha!"  
  
Goldust, Kane and Bubba Ray stood backstage realising just how insane Booker T had become. They grimaced as he was torn apart by the In-Americans and their new recruit William Regal, who had realised that his glory days of drinking urine and peeing on Big Show were now over and he may as well align himself with some other no-hopers in the hope of 'doing a New-Age Outlaws'.  
  
After the match Booker T lay in pain and looked to his mystic palm in the hope of guidance, but all he saw was a vision of the year 2020, when the WWE would consist entirely of Tough Enough winners.  
  
  
  
The Island Boys took on the Chuck and Billy boys in a match that had an important stipulation. If the Island Boys won then Steph had to run around the arena dressed as a duck while yelling "Quack Quack" as loudly as possible and getting bits of bread thrown at her. If however Chuck and Billy won then Bischoff would have to spend the night at Coach's flat, where he would have to eat bits of Pizza that had gotten stuck to the sides of the microwave and listen to "It Doesn't Matter" by Wyclef Jean and The Rock a dozen times while Coach danced. The match was a draw, meaning they both had to face the frightening consequences.  
  
  
  
Taker fought Lesnar for the Smackdown World title (no-one really cared about the other world title). Taker looked as if he would win (or at least as though he wouldn't sell) until five mysterious robed figures ran out to the ring and abducted him... 


	8. Return to the Darkside

Taker was chained up and had been for some time now. Vince stood staring at him evilly and laughing at random intervals.  
  
"The Corporate Ministry is back Taker! And this time without you and Mideon! Oh no, I'm not going to make the same mistakes this time. Last time I formed the Ministry I made the mistake of doing it just to get at Austin, while doing NOTHING that hurt Austin or his career. This time I'm going to seize total control of my empire again. The 'attitude' era is over, now everyone will do exactly what they are told again and I will pretend to be a commentator like I used to. And there's nothing you can do to stop me! Ha ha ha ha!" babbled the increasingly deranged Vince.  
  
  
  
Eric Bischoff sat at Coach's wishing he was dead.  
  
"Coa-" began Bischoff.  
  
"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" sang Coach while doing some bizarre dancing. Eric was relieved when the phone rang and Coach finally turned off that song and answered.  
  
"Oh hey Rock!" said Coach excitedly. Eric knew Coach would be distracted for some time, and used the opportunity to slip away.  
  
  
  
"Soon Vince I shall cut your tongue out and send you down to the depths of hell, where you will rest...in...peace! " said The Undertaker. He had pretended to be a biker a little too long, and his powers weren't at this time strong enough to allow him to escape.  
  
"No Dead Man, you can never defeat me, I always have a plan, for I am VINCE MCPLAN!"  
  
Taker spat tobacco at Vince.  
  
  
  
"We are the best tag team on Smackdown!" Billy told Chuck.  
  
"What other teams are there?" asked Chuck.  
  
Billy thought long and hard about this.  
  
"We are the best tag team on Smackdown!" he finally said.  
  
  
  
Mark Lloyd sat at home. He didn't even bother showing up for work anymore. No-one had called. No-one had noticed he wasn't around. No-one cared. No- one loved him. He put on some Michelle Branch songs and pretended her many songs about love were being sang about him personally.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Where's the knob?"  
  
"It's right in front of you!"  
  
"Shhhhh, you want someone to hear?"  
  
"Hey you! I mean, hey yo!"  
  
"Shhhhh!"  
  
"Okay, my hands on the door knob. What now?"  
  
"Turn it! Turn it!"  
  
"Which way? Which way?"  
  
"It'll only turn one way! Hurry up!"  
  
"I've turned it! Now what?"  
  
"Grrr, get out of the way brother. I'll Hulk Up and use my Hulk Powers to overcome this obstacle."  
  
Hogan hulked up, then grabbed the knob and pushed open the door.  
  
"We did it brothers! NWO 4 life!"  
  
The NWO began posing and congratulating each other before wondering just how they were going to remove those chains from Taker...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Test sat at home considering what to do with his dead career. Then it hit him - new entrance music.  
  
"You're simply the Test! Better than all the rest! Better than anyone! Anyone I ever met! Oh, once you've had Test! Baby you won't want the rest! Because he's better than anyone! Anyone I ever meeeeeeet!"  
  
Just add "You can't fire me!" to the start and his career would skyrocket.  
  
  
  
  
  
"How do you like me now?" Hardcore asked Crash.  
  
"Well I think you're pretty good cousin, I mean, I've always liked you, in a weird sort of way..."  
  
"I was just using my catchphrase - I didn't actually want to know."  
  
  
  
  
  
With a little help from the Undertaker's undead powers the newly reformed NWO took Taker to their hideout. The new NWO consisted of Hogan, Hall and Nash. Hall had jumped at the chance, his career haven falling as low as NWA- TNA (the name of which was never to be spoken outside of that place) where he had begun to question whether or not the company and indeed he actually existed anymore. Nash had been tough to get, having ran across much of America, but eventually Hogan had found him and showed him "Forest Gump" and told Nash that was what he was turning into, causing Nash to rejoin. X- Pac could not be found. It was as if he had been sucked into the sky. HBK had just mentioned his son Cameron until Hogan gave up and left. Big Show hadn't even been asked.  
  
"Okay Taker, brother, we're rebuilding the NWO, and first we need to take out the corporate ministry. We need your help."  
  
"How do you know of The existence of The Corporate Ministry?" asked Taker.  
  
"Booker T was walking around staring at his hand at muttering something about it, brother. Are you in... or are you out, brother?"  
  
Undertaker looked at the aging Hogan. He didn't fancy a place in the NWO, but he wanted revenge on Vince... and he wanted to reclaim his rightful place as The Lord of Darkness.  
  
"In," said Taker, before rolling his eyes back into his head. Oh yes... he was back. 


	9. The Ultimate Showdown

"I'm not at all happy Stacy. The Undertaker has escaped. I just KNEW he was just pretending to be a biker. I just KNEW it," said an extremely agitated Vince, who was pacing about his home like a man possessed. "Stacy, why aren't you saying anything? Stacy?"  
  
Vince looked around and saw that 'Stacy' was in fact Linda McMahon.  
  
"SILENCE FOOLISH ONE!" said Linda.  
  
"Linda? How did you get here? Where's Stacy? Why can you speak again? Your vocal chords were removed!"  
  
"I AM AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN THE ONE NAMED STACY. FOR YEARS I HAVE WAITED FOR YOU TO RAISE THE CORPORATE MINISTRY SO THAT I MAY RULE ALL. SEE VINCE I, LINDA MCMAHON, AM THE REAL GREATER POWER, NOT YOU!"  
  
Vince gulped like only he can.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, oblivious to the off-screen antics of the Corporate Ministry and the NWO, Eric Bischoff had decided that spinning a wheel would magically make Raw better than Smackdown!. He wanted one match in particular and had invited a guest to RAW. Marc Lloyd strolled in, happy for the first time in his life (bizarrely, Kane was claiming the same thing) and convinced he would feel like he belonged here.  
  
"I'm ready Mr Bischoff. Who would you like me to interview tonight?" said Mark as he entered Eric's office.  
  
"Interview? We have Terri for all our interviewing needs," said Eric. "No, I invited you here for an event that will make history. A wrestlemania- esque match-up will take place right here tonight. In that ring this evening, I will spin the wheel - and you, Mark Lloyd will face COACH in whatever match the wheel tells me to make it."  
  
Mark Lloyd cried like only he can.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'm so happy! La la la!" said Kane to Terri. He was just about to go out to face three teams in a TLC match. But he couldn't find Hurricane anywhere. Oh well, he was too happy to care. Finally everyone had forgotten his matches with X-Pac! Kane skipped out to the ring and forgot all about his partner.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Get away from the bat-mobile NOW!" yelled Batman. "You're not Robin! Go away! I'm warning you, I'll throw another batarang!"  
  
"Please, just one little ride? Please?" said the Hurricane. "I'll let you drive the 'hurri-cycle.' Pleeeease..."  
  
  
  
  
  
"This meeting of the New World Order is now in session! President Hollywood Hulk Hogan will now begin proceedings!"  
  
"Thanks Vice-President Nash! Okay, first uh, thing we have to do today is to initiate The Undertaker into the NWO!"  
  
"Hey yo!" said Hall.  
  
"What is it brother?" said Hogan.  
  
"Why can't I be Vice-president?"  
  
"Because you're deputy-vice president brother!"  
  
"Oh yeah. Deputy-vice president 4 life!"  
  
Undertaker sighed. It was going to be a long night.  
  
  
  
  
  
Mark Lloyd, Coach, and Eric stood around the wheel.  
  
"Okay, time to spin it!" said Eric, before doing just that. Coach sat praying for a 'dress up and act like Rock match' as the wheel span.  
  
"Round and round the wheel goes, where it stops no-one knows, until it stops at least," sang Eric. Although he did know. He'd set the whole thing up. So it was no surprise to him when it landed on:  
  
"FIGHT TO THE DEATH!" Eric shouted.  
  
  
  
"Okay, now we've initiated Taker it's time for some mad posing!" declared NWO president Hogan. Much leaning over and pointing followed while Hogan played a guitar that was as real as his in-ring ability.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Welcome back ladies and gentleman and tonight, live, and only on RAW, Mark Lloyd will fight Coach and one man WILL DIE TONIGHT!!!!!" exclaimed JR.  
  
"Who cares? There's no puppies or HLA in this match," King said sadly.  
  
"Yes there is King - Hot Lloyd action!"  
  
"What are you talking about JR? HLA ain't Hot Lloyd Action, that's disgusting!"  
  
"Then what does it mean? Hot Lita Action?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Hot Lance Action?"  
  
"HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!!!"  
  
"What's a 'lesbian'?"  
  
"Are you feeling okay JR? We could be watching girl on girl action!"  
  
"Like... a woman's title match?"  
  
"No! Not a wrestling match!"  
  
"Not... wrestling?"  
  
"There is life outside wrestling JR!"  
  
"Life... outside wrestling?" asked JR with a blank look on his face. He sounded as if he's just been told Santa doesn't exist.  
  
"Yes! There's all kinds of other things JR, like sex (although that's a big part of the WWE), REAL sports, movies..."  
  
"I'm sorry King, I always thought there was nothing more than wrestling. All I ever do is travel to arenas and talk about the matches."  
  
A voice in their ears tells them to "get the 'f' on with it."  
  
  
  
  
  
Coach drove out to the ring in the 'Coach Express' as "Pie" by The Rock played. Mark Lloyd tried to come out to the ring but the Coach Express was blocking the ramp way. RAW cut to a break as officials tried to remove it.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'm Mick Foley. You may remember me from such beatings as 'Hell in the Cell', 'boiler room brawl' 'barbed wire' and 'fun with big large knives'. Now I sit at home and pretend to be an author. Buy my new book - 'Foley - What I think might possibly happen to me in the next ten years of my life'. It's sure to be number one - get it now!"  
  
  
  
  
  
The man on TV, and indeed the author, was a fake though. The REAL Mick Foley had in fact fallen down a well, and couldn't get out.  
  
"Please, somebody help!" cried Foley in vain.  
  
  
  
RAW came back on the air as Coach and Lloyd prepared for battle. Only one would survive - who would it be? 


	10. Don't Cross the Boss

Things were going quite well for Vince McMahon. He had begged his wife to give him another chance and they had went off and renewed their wedding vows (again). His worst enemy Austin had been framed for the murder of Jeff Hardy. The NWO were proving incapable of doing anything. The Corporate Ministry was getting stronger. Yes, life was good. Now it was almost time for him to carry out his plan. And everyone would be sorry they had "crossed the boss".  
  
  
  
  
  
The President of the United States sat in his office. They had all laughed when he had launched his election campaign. But no-one was laughing now. Yes he, former WWE champion Bob Backlund, had become President. He ruled all! His phone started to ring.  
  
"Help! Help!"  
  
Security (led by former prison guard Big Bossman) burst in.  
  
"What's happening Mr President? Are you all right?" asked Bossman.  
  
"The ringing... make it stop!" cried Backlund, who was ripping off parts of his shirt and shoving them in his ears.  
  
"It's just the telephone, sir. T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E" said Bossman, picking it up and passing it to the President.  
  
"Hello Mr president. This is future, brother. We're taking over the WWE, wrestling, this country, the world, brother! Whatcha gonna do brother, whatcha gonna do? Nothing is safe. What will be the next target of the NWO!? Don't bother trying to trace us. You'll never know who we are until it's too late. You'll never be able to find Hollywood Hulk Hogan.. oh whoops uh..."  
  
Backlund heard the phone on the other end being slammed down.  
  
"Who was that, sir?" asked Bossman.  
  
"Oh, no-one," said Backlund.  
  
  
  
  
  
"What a match that was King! Coach and Lloyd put on the greatest spectacle I have ever seen!" said JR.  
  
"And now Coach is dead!"  
  
"Yes that's right King. And he'll be buried AT NO MERCY ONLY ON PPV!"  
  
"Yeah, JR, and now the police are coming out here? What's that about?"  
  
"Well King, murder is of course still illegal and now Mark Lloyd has to face the punishment for his crime."  
  
  
  
  
  
Over a week later, No Mercy was over, and it had left many questions to be answered.  
  
Why DID Al Wilson wear his clothes in the shower?  
  
DID he have sexual relations with THAT woman?  
  
WHY did Al Wilson always have the exact same expression on his face no matter what was happening?  
  
WHY had Torrie never been suspicious when Al had just started showing up at arenas all of a sudden?  
  
HOW on EARTH had Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie gotten onto a PPV?  
  
  
  
  
  
Hollywood Rock had just found out about Coach's demise and cried for five hours straight. But he could bring Coach back, couldn't he? No matter what the cost. He decided to go and find The Undertaker.  
  
  
  
Stephanie McMahon was standing in the middle of the ring, about to hand over a 'best friends' trophy to Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit. Kurt took the trophy and started crying.  
  
"I am the best friend a man could have. I led our friendship to success and will continue to do so in the future," sobbed Kurt. Benoit looked a bit angry, and grabbed the trophy from Kurt.  
  
"What are you talking about Kurt? I am THE best friend in the world today! Prove me wrong!"  
  
This led into a big fight over the trophy, Stephanie, upset that everyone's attention had been taken off her, tried to break the pair up and got hit in the head by the trophy.  
  
"Oh no, you know what this means, don't you?" said Kurt nervously. "You remember the trash can?"  
  
"Steph's been hit in the head... total personality change!" screamed Benoit.  
  
Steph stood up, looking dazed for a moment.  
  
"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" said Steph.  
  
"Uh, Steph..." began Kurt.  
  
Steph stuck her middle finger up at Kurt, then hit him with a stunner.  
  
"Stunner to Kurt!" yelled JR (from his home).  
  
Same to Benoit.  
  
"Stunner to Benoit!" exclaimed JR (from his home).  
  
Steph signalled for a beer and began drinking, letting it spill all over the place.  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
  
  
  
  
"You bring Coach back from the dead, Rock will join you," said Rock desperately.  
  
"Yes, Rock, I will do it. But you won't be joining The Corporate Ministry or The NWO... you will be joining The Ministry of Darkness Version 2! Ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Taker.  
  
At this point Paul Bearer appeared with The Undertaker's urn.  
  
"Wasn't that melted down and made into a necklace?" said Rock.  
  
"Shut up!" said Taker angrily. He began doing some strange chanting while Paul Bearer began yelling "Oh yes, oh yes, Coach will return.... reeeeeeeetuuuuuuuurn...."  
  
Green smoke came out of the urn, and when it cleared, Coach was standing there. He was a zombie now, but Rock didn't care. He hugged his friend.  
  
"Now we'll be together forever," said Rock, before the smoke returned and he too become one of the un-dead... and one of 'Taker's Ministry. 


	11. Stunning Steph

HHH sat in his dressing room talking to a mannequin of Katie Vick.  
  
"It's all about The Game, it's all about The Game, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GAME!" he told it.  
  
  
  
  
  
Taker was growing restless. He had pretended that Big Show throwing him onto soft padding had actually caused him injury in order to focus on taking out The Corporate Ministry. He'd gotten rid of Coach and Rock. His attempt to turn Rock into a zombie had failed due to the fact that Rock wasn't human enough in the first place (he was 2 percent human, 5 percent bull and 93 percent ego) and Coach had turned out just the same except now he liked to nibble on people's ears while he interviewed them. So he'd recruited Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit to help him instead. They hadn't been made zombies. Promises of world title shots had proven to much for them both to resist.  
  
"Vince leads The Corporate Ministry. There are five other members. I need to know who the five are so I can take their souls. Find them," said Taker.  
  
"My Olympic gold will show us the way!" gibbered Kurt.  
  
"Remember where I stored those medals Kurt?" asked Chris. Kurt suddenly felt the need to go clean his medals again.  
  
  
  
  
  
HHH had now fetched his sledgehammer and was smashing Katie Vick with it.  
  
"IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GAAAAAAME-UHHHHH!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Angle and Benoit had managed to find one of the Corporate Ministry. He was at The World, dressed in his red robes, looking as depressed as everyone else in The World did.  
  
"Just leave this up to a professional. I am an Olympic gold medallist you know!" said Kurt.  
  
"Yes Kurt, you tell me that fifty times EVERY DAY," said Benoit angrily.  
  
Kurt ran at the ministry member, grabbed their robes and pulled them off. He looked at the figure then turned around to look at Benoit.  
  
"It's no use Chris - I can't see who it is. He's wearing a Kane mask," said Kurt. Benoit just shook his head as Kane grabbed Angle by the throat and choke slammed him through a table.  
  
"WE WANT TABLES!" chanted the crowd in The World, suddenly looking less depressed and remembering days when they actually liked wrestling.  
  
"Eh? I can't see Bubba Ray Dudley anywhere," babbled the barely conscious Kurt.  
  
  
  
  
  
Shawn Stasiak stood outside Vince McMahon's office.  
  
"Go away!" yelled Vince. "I keep telling you - you don't work here anymore! Get out of here now!"  
  
"But Vince... although I am tired... it cannot be true, that I have been fired," said Shawn.  
  
Before Vince could say anything else a pick-up truck came round the corner and ran over Stasiak. Stephanie got out and walked over to Vince.  
  
"Austin 3:16 says I hate Vince! I'm going to whoop Vince's ass!" said Steph before stunnering Vince.  
  
"STUNNER!" said JR from wherever in the world he was at the time.  
  
  
  
  
  
Mark Lloyd had been released from jail. In truth, everyone had just forgotten who he was so he had been allowed to leave.  
  
  
  
  
  
Vince was just getting to his feet when Mike Awesome arrived.  
  
"Hey, Vince..." began Mike. Then he looked at the truck and Stasiak. "Um, never mind."  
  
  
  
  
  
Test, realising his immunity clause was going to run out very soon, had started to panic. He needed a reason to not be fired. He'd found Stacy Kiebler and begged her to accompany him to ringside. Yes, Stacy would save him.  
  
Linda McMahon was happy to accompany him to ringside. She had reverted back to her Stacy Kiebler form, and had had certain feelings back when her daughter was going to marry him. Yes, she could see why Stephanie had liked Test. For one thing, he wasn't Vince.  
  
  
  
  
  
Victoria was talking with Steven Richards, who was only really half listening. He was wondering whether or not he was actually still employed.  
  
"Trish would sleep with ANYONE to get to the top. It's disgusting!" spat Victoria. Steven looked round.  
  
"Didn't you used to be one of The Godfather's ho's?" he asked.  
  
  
  
  
  
"You can't beat the Big Show, Brock! Jeff Hardy may have been able to do it, Booker T may have been able to do it, Shane McMahon may have been able to do it, but YOU can't do it Brock," said Heyman. Brock was lifting weights.  
  
"So you weren't worried about Rock or Hogan, but you're worried about Big Show?" asked Brock.  
  
"Yes!" said Heyman.  
  
Brock sighed and got back to lifting.  
  
  
  
  
  
Vince put the phone down. He had a smug look on his face.  
  
"What are you so happy about?" asked Trish, who had been called to Vince's office for a "special" assignment.  
  
"He's coming Trish - Scott Steiner is heading to The WWE!"  
  
"Who?" 


	12. The End of the Saga

"Whisper something nice and I'll make you scream twice," went the Scott Steiner promo. Trish stood watching it with Vince.  
  
"Very nice Vince, but what is he talking about?" she asked him.  
  
"I don't know Trish. I just... don't know," said Vince who was staring at the screen in horror.  
  
"I only care about two things - my freaks and my peaks!" continued the promo.  
  
"But what about wrestling? Which show will you go to? Who will you target? When will you appear?" Vince asked the TV.  
  
"Holla, if you hear me!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Kurt was hiding in the closet looking for Corporate Ministry members.  
  
"Are you sure this is the Ministry's layer?" he called out to Benoit. "Benoit? Benoit? The door won't open! Benoit?"  
  
"Haaaaw haaaaaa haaaaaaar," laughed Benoit. At least, it was believed to be a laugh.  
  
  
  
  
  
Eric was experimenting with RVD. He wanted something big to happen in the Survivor Series Elimination Chamber and had been trying to turn him heel.  
  
"Everything's cool when you're RVD," said Van Damn when his heel/face switch was set to face. Eric flipped it to heel.  
  
"Everything's cool when you're RVD," said Van Damn in exactly the same way as before. Eric scratched his head.  
  
  
  
  
  
HHH had taped bits of Katie Vick back together and now sat with her on his knee, running his fingers through her hair.  
  
"Steph and Chyna never really understood me, you know Katie... they never knew the real me. they don't know me like you do. They never realised that I was a god, and I should be worshipped and prayed to, and they didn't realise that I can beat five men single handed, in fact I could beat everyone in this company single handed."  
  
He began rubbing Katie's shoulders.  
  
"That is so true HHH, you are a god," said HHH, pretending it was Vick. HHH grinned. He didn't need Steph at all anymore.  
  
  
  
  
  
Vince came out to the ring along with the Corporate Ministry.  
  
"This is it! Time for me to become immortal! My plan is almost complete! Now all I have to do to ensure the WWE exists forever with me running it is to sacrifice a virgin! D-Von, bring Stephanie out here!"  
  
D-Von dragged out a struggling Stephanie as the crowd laughed like crazy. Vince pulled out a trash can lid and began hitting Steph with it repeatedly. He wished he'd had some better weapons, but he had to make do with what he'd found under the ring.  
  
As Vince's assault continued and Steph approached death, the NWO's music hit and out came Hogan, Hall and Nash.  
  
"No, you don't work here anymore! Hall, you were fired! Nash, you're injured! Hogan, you walked out on the company dammit! yelled Vince.  
  
"But you forget brother, when you're NWO, you're NWO for life! Um, apart from Big Show, HBK, Booker T and all the other guys who were in the NWO but aren't now." said Hogan. "And now, we're gonna stop you and take over the WWE!"  
  
The NWO walked down the ramp, but Nash's leg fell off, Hall collapsed in a drunken mess and Hogan walked off backstage having gone senile and thinking the ring was that way.  
  
  
  
  
  
Test was in bed with who he believed to be Stacy Kiebler when suddenly he looked around and saw he was in bed with Linda McMahon. He screamed. When he calmed down he was reminded by Linda that his immunity clause ran out in a matter of days. He screamed.  
  
  
  
Steph had gotten back up and was now running about the ring getting chased by all of the corporate ministry (who as it turned out was made of Kane, D- Von, 'Dave' Batista, Howard Finkel and Michael Cole). Every time someone got near her they comically fell over. This continued for some time before Steph (after getting hit by the trash can lid she was now back to 'normal') realised that she could just roll under the bottom rope and leave the ring.  
  
  
  
After this shambles was over, Vince sat in his chair looking into a mirror (or 'miiia' as McMahon pronounced it).  
  
"That's it! I've had enough! No more! I'm going to kill my creation! And I'm going to kill it by making The Big Show Smackdown champion! I'm going to kill The WWE with a lethal dose of Show poison!"  
  
  
  
And so at Survivor Series, with a little (well, a lot) of help, Big Show defeated Lesnar and became champion.  
  
  
  
Epilogue  
  
Chris Jericho moved to NWA-TA and without HHH holding him back became one of the biggest stars in the industry.  
  
Kurt Angle never got out of the closet.  
  
Test's immunity clause ran out. He was fired soon after.  
  
Hulk Hogan found out how immortal he really was.  
  
Nash got a new knee, but it turned out to be Katie Vick's. Her spirit possessed him and he spent his life kicking HHH's ass.  
  
HHH spent his life running from Katie Vick's ghost. He also married his Katie Vick mannequin and held the RAW title for twenty years.  
  
Godfather never found a new gimmick.  
  
Chris Benoit shocked the world by beating Big Show for the Smackdown title. His win gave the WWE a huge boost.  
  
Matt Hardy crashed so Matt Hardy Version 2.0 had to be downloaded from Mattitude.com.  
  
D-Von devoted his life to helping sick children.  
  
Batista defeated Metal Gear Rex and told Otacon his name was 'David'.  
  
Lance Storm won a 'slammy'.  
  
Christian continued to reek of awesomeness, even if not everyone realised it.  
  
Maven continued to reek.  
  
Chris Nowenski talked about being a Harvard graduate his whole life.  
  
Al Snow continued to train Tough Enough students and pretended to like them even though he really despised them.  
  
Coach moved in with Rock and became part of the family.  
  
Rock stared in Mr Nanny 2 and became bigger than Vin Diesel.  
  
Scott Hall became the new leader of the NWO. Unfortunately he was only in charge of Mark Lloyd who joined in a desperate quest for acceptance.  
  
Tazz, unable to find work elsewhere, became a commentator again.  
  
Big Show continued to be a 500 pound waste of a ten year contract.  
  
Lesnar, after being beaten by Big Show, quit wrestling and claimed he would be 'The Next Big Thing' in authoring.  
  
Mick Foley escaped the well only to fall down a manhole.  
  
X-Pac was never seen again. No-one cared.  
  
Steve Austin made a successful comeback.  
  
Scott Steiner joined RAW and sat in a chair, holding his foot and saying inane things.  
  
Booker T spent his whole life looking at his hand, paralysed after seeing a vision of Rikishi sitting on the toilet.  
  
Rikishi gave many a stinkface.  
  
Al Wilson became a wrestling legend after delivering a shooting-star press to Jamie Noble.  
  
Trish campaigned to have 'Stratusfaction' put in the dictionary.  
  
Hurricane died after jumping of a building, yelling "It's okay, I can fly!"  
  
Kane left the WWE in shame.  
  
Undertaker returned to being a biker.  
  
Eric Bischoff married Steph and knocked lots of people out.  
  
Vince was sent to a loony bin.  
  
  
  
After they were all gone, the WWE lived on.  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
